More recent revelation

Have you ever wanted something so badly that when you actually get it, you freeze up and go "Oh shit. What do I do now?" I just couldn't dive in head first and divulge what I actually wanted or how I truly felt. Something in me froze. I was/am afraid. I seriously could have handle the situation better. I could have for once been a normal person instead of the mangled, messed up, lump of issues. So... ideal situation was diffused all because I, and I know better, froze the fuck up. I'm not good at new things. New, scary, and intense things at that.

I feel bad for passing this situation over casually because it wasn't.

So, why am I afraid of what I want?

Recent Rambling...

What exactly is the Holy Grail of Happiness? Is it taking pride in your self worth? Is it watching your spawn growing and flourishing? Is it money? Is it being able to fill that void of self doubt? Is it materialistic or proverbial? I honestly do not believe that there are many people on this Earth that can honestly claim that they are completely happy with their lives and themselves. If those people do exist, I guarantee you they live an uncluttered and stress free life. With love comes hate. With wealth comes greed. With pride comes malice. There is just an opposite reaction to everything, positive and negative. So how does one find balance and happiness with in all of the life’s turmoil and tribulations? Those of us who are so very aware of ourselves are broken and damaged, scarred and beaten, suffocated and stifled. So where to do you break the ties that bind you? How do you fill that nagging hole within you? How do you quiet those thousands of doubts within your own mind? How do you free your soul? How do you feed your soul that makes you, you? I wish there were answers, other than the religious ones, to all of those questions. It would make life easier but then life would alas, not be life.

So rarely do we come across another human being that is willing and able to accept us for the true us. IMO, to find that is a gift in life. To be able to look into another person’s eyes and just KNOW what they may be feeling or appreciate what they have been through is a one in a million occurrence. I trust so few people, if anyone at all, that I am so afraid to let people know my “dark and twisty” side of me that I just bury it. I bury deep where it sleeps and slumbers, ever growing stronger with rest and a warm place to stay. It does not consume me but I do have to accept it as it is very much a part of me and makes me who I am just as the good parts make up my personal façade. So who in this world has the ability to show and spread those evil wings of greed, hate, envy, lust, malice, selfishness, unrequited pride and be accepted for being a dark and benevolent devil? Who has the balls to show the claws, fangs, and the serpent pupils to their soul?

Who accepts that nagging beast within us all that needs to be satiated and acknowledged? The more you deny the beast, the stronger it grows. Gain control and accept the reins stapled and pierced within it’s hide. Find your light within your dark and dark within your light. Do not deny who you are since the more you ignore the beast , the more it becomes you. The beast is the every down beat of your heart, it is the sickness that manifests itself as doubt, it is the emptiness within your own damned pupils when you look in the mirror. It is always there slumbering, biding it’s time until it is fed, resting until the ambush of the kill. You can feel it squirm and tremble just before it lashes out in violence and with malice that is purposeful and direct. Lightning quick claws and fangs find their prey and you feel the light drain from your prey, be it your good side of yourself or tearing another person down. It’s gapping maw sucks every drop of life flow possible and when it is finished and full, you fell it become content and sated. You feel the hum of it’s purr within yourself. It resonates into your head, eyes, and heart. That dark side of your soul has just been fed and you damn well know it.

Clarity. Is it objective or subjective? It quite possibly could be both in my life. To have a clouded mind is a curse but makes one all too human. Life is rarely black and white and those gray areas that exist cause that fog that creeps in to obscure your view. Ones heart can say one thing but your mind can say another. Inner conflict ensues. Common sense often over rides many desires as well. Inner conflict ensues. Gray area... it's all gray. Am I just that wishy-washy of a person? Sometimes I just feel like a compass needle going nuts within the directional star in which it spins. Just pick a bearing. Just stop spinning. Wait, what is making me go crazy in the first place? Can I even answer that question? Probably not. The truth is a that I actually do not have an answer for what ails me. I'm a grown woman lost in the world with little girl feelings about the unknown. There are bogeymen and monsters that lie in the dark looking to make the worst of me, to make me fail, to make me stumble, to make me unsure, to make me doubt myself. I cling to the familiar, I cling to what is known even though that may not be what is best in this life. I fight change. I run, I kick, and I scream to avoid it. All the changes up until I was an adult were changes for the worse so I associated change with a turn for the worse. Things will get harder, more difficult, and life will become more of a burden if things change. So some how, I long for change but only change for the better. Changes that make the change worth while. Is it time to take a deep breath and dive into the darkness to see what lies within? Why do I feel rushed to make a change? I feel like casting away the baggage I've been carrying but ah ha! That means a change is coming. SO... heh. I'm back at square one wishing for clarity and a weapon against those monsters that lurk in the darkness. I'm pining for more. My soul needs it and craves it.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Neil Gaiman

The difference between friendship and love is how much you can actually hurt each other.

I can't move...

"I Can't Move" by Everlast got me thinking. Is it fear of failure that keep those who do not move forward settled right where they are? Is it laziness? Is it pride? For me it a combination of pride and fear that keeps me in my comfort zone. Why pursue something you may fail at when what you are doing right now works just fine? ::: sigh::: Well, that kind of thinking has lead me right to where I am right now. A high school drop out stay at home mom. Blah... I've been earning my HS credits slowly but surely but damn, I am more than this. Only if life had a "reset" button.

Everyone has been pressuring me into joining ADAF but ugh... I am going to have difficulties being away from Samantha for BMT and tech school. I also have authority issues. Heh... I would have to find an entirely different type of tolerance within myself. I don't know if I want to deal with the military BS, more than I already do, on daily basis. IF I do in, I'd li8ke to find a sign on bonus and I like to be a nurse or PT therapist. Maybe it's best that I a BA under my belt before joining? I just dunno. I do fear failure when so much is at stake. As far as education, only money is on the line with that. If I join, wow... my marriage would be at stake IMO. He'll either find he can cope without me or I learned I can cope even better than I thought without him. That or we just become closer.

I'm just ready to find my path and to be proud of that journey down it.

Blah...

I don't have much to report today. Had some weird dreams last night. One was about my husband cheating on me with my ex sister-in-law and current sister-in-law. He got the current sis-in-law pregnant and some how his family found nothing wrong about his behavior. He also had no shame in his behavior either. I was left with the dilemma of staying with him or leaving him. Then I woke up. How freaking bizarre and a definite "WTF" kind of dream. I'm not sure how to decipher that one and I'm not sure if I want to. Yikes.... :note to self~ lay of the meth before bed:

It's been an unproductive day as well. We did however get most everything for the birthday party rent/reserved/figured out. Tomorrow I will need to do some major shopping and I hope the Crammissary will not be too horrid.

That is all for now.

On another note

The recent death of an acquaintance has me a bit shook up about my cousin returning to Afghanistan. I just have a bad feeling about this tour of his. It's been a hard year for his side of the family. Within 90 days of each other, he lost his mom (my 2nd cousin) to brain cancer and his grandfather (my great uncle) to lung cancer. In between those two deaths he welcomed a baby boy into the world and was rewashed in the Q course. He and I were so very close as kids (even though we fought like brother and sister) and it pains me to know he has so little family left. His dad was never really a dad to him either. From what I can tell, he and the wifey has some issues going on as well. To be sent there for 12+ months with little to come back to has to be hard.

I just fear for him. I fear for them all.

I'm needing a shoulder to cry on and some one to wipe the tears away. So much is going on right now.

In a funk

"Youth is often wasted on the young."


I can't listen to this song without getting teary and thinking back to what my past was. I've come so far but yet have so much farther to go. Some parts are down right blacked out of my mind just because I refuse to relive them. It is now however coming back to bite me in the ass. My mind has had an excellent habit of "forgetting" what is traumatic or too painful but only to rehash those moments in time in my sleep. It's becoming very draining to wake up every morning with a cloud over my head. I could deal with the waking up sweaty and breathing heavy dreams but these are dreams that make you cry in your sleep and scream for someone who isn't even there. I'm just not sure what to do. I'm starting to think I'm cracked or broken mentally some where. I've done the whole therapy thing and I am just skeptical of the process. "Sessions" leave me feeling worse than what I did. It was hard enough meeting with a social worker before I had Samantha to explain my "red flags" in my records. Thankfully, the social worker found me completely sane, pitied me, and asked if there was anyone he could refer me to in particular on base if I'd like. If I ever need medication there's no shame and he's has a few friends who dealt with similar cases. Well, that in all made me feel no better about my past but at least I was sane. Maybe this home blogging crap could be therapy? Doesn't even matter if anyone reads it.

Happy Birthday!

I'm having a hard time believing that today my daughter is a year old. I feel a bit guilty about not having a huge party today on THE day but a cold knocked me on my butt and she's been battling an upper respiratory infection. So... bigger party next weekend!

It just seems so surreal to be a mother at times. It's hard to explain but she has brought meaning to my life and is the light in my eyes. I'm not sure how I lived without her.

Happy Birthday My Little Tadpole! ~Love Mumma

The Tide. I'm on a roll today!

"The Tide" mainly is meant refer to depression, fear, insecurity, loneliness, etc. Take it as you wish though.


The tide is creeping
While I have been weeping

It flows in slowly
To swallow me wholly

To fight is hopeless
We all do know this

To swallow it as it seeks
Shall leave me full and weak

If I shall swim beneath
I shall be swallowed with teeth

If I shall swim above
My fear will be a lack thereof

The things that swirl around in my head....

Not a formal poem rather somewhat a verse.

A pin prick

A knife stick

Pain is real

Pain is quick

It is a slow burn

You cannot feel

Until it’s too late

And you cannot heal

Pain is profound

It is lost and it is found

Your soul

Is its hiding ground

From hate it is wrought

From fear is sought

Run fast

Before you are caught

Devour of it what you plan

Ye may be but a mortal man

Stronger souls

Forge from it what they can