Have you ever wanted something so badly that when you actually get it, you freeze up and go "Oh shit. What do I do now?" I just couldn't dive in head first and divulge what I actually wanted or how I truly felt. Something in me froze. I was/am afraid. I seriously could have handle the situation better. I could have for once been a normal person instead of the mangled, messed up, lump of issues. So... ideal situation was diffused all because I, and I know better, froze the fuck up. I'm not good at new things. New, scary, and intense things at that.
I feel bad for passing this situation over casually because it wasn't.
So, why am I afraid of what I want?
12.21.2009
Recent Rambling...
What exactly is the Holy Grail of Happiness? Is it taking pride in your self worth? Is it watching your spawn growing and flourishing? Is it money? Is it being able to fill that void of self doubt? Is it materialistic or proverbial? I honestly do not believe that there are many people on this Earth that can honestly claim that they are completely happy with their lives and themselves. If those people do exist, I guarantee you they live an uncluttered and stress free life. With love comes hate. With wealth comes greed. With pride comes malice. There is just an opposite reaction to everything, positive and negative. So how does one find balance and happiness with in all of the life’s turmoil and tribulations? Those of us who are so very aware of ourselves are broken and damaged, scarred and beaten, suffocated and stifled. So where to do you break the ties that bind you? How do you fill that nagging hole within you? How do you quiet those thousands of doubts within your own mind? How do you free your soul? How do you feed your soul that makes you, you? I wish there were answers, other than the religious ones, to all of those questions. It would make life easier but then life would alas, not be life.
So rarely do we come across another human being that is willing and able to accept us for the true us. IMO, to find that is a gift in life. To be able to look into another person’s eyes and just KNOW what they may be feeling or appreciate what they have been through is a one in a million occurrence. I trust so few people, if anyone at all, that I am so afraid to let people know my “dark and twisty” side of me that I just bury it. I bury deep where it sleeps and slumbers, ever growing stronger with rest and a warm place to stay. It does not consume me but I do have to accept it as it is very much a part of me and makes me who I am just as the good parts make up my personal façade. So who in this world has the ability to show and spread those evil wings of greed, hate, envy, lust, malice, selfishness, unrequited pride and be accepted for being a dark and benevolent devil? Who has the balls to show the claws, fangs, and the serpent pupils to their soul?
Who accepts that nagging beast within us all that needs to be satiated and acknowledged? The more you deny the beast, the stronger it grows. Gain control and accept the reins stapled and pierced within it’s hide. Find your light within your dark and dark within your light. Do not deny who you are since the more you ignore the beast , the more it becomes you. The beast is the every down beat of your heart, it is the sickness that manifests itself as doubt, it is the emptiness within your own damned pupils when you look in the mirror. It is always there slumbering, biding it’s time until it is fed, resting until the ambush of the kill. You can feel it squirm and tremble just before it lashes out in violence and with malice that is purposeful and direct. Lightning quick claws and fangs find their prey and you feel the light drain from your prey, be it your good side of yourself or tearing another person down. It’s gapping maw sucks every drop of life flow possible and when it is finished and full, you fell it become content and sated. You feel the hum of it’s purr within yourself. It resonates into your head, eyes, and heart. That dark side of your soul has just been fed and you damn well know it.
So rarely do we come across another human being that is willing and able to accept us for the true us. IMO, to find that is a gift in life. To be able to look into another person’s eyes and just KNOW what they may be feeling or appreciate what they have been through is a one in a million occurrence. I trust so few people, if anyone at all, that I am so afraid to let people know my “dark and twisty” side of me that I just bury it. I bury deep where it sleeps and slumbers, ever growing stronger with rest and a warm place to stay. It does not consume me but I do have to accept it as it is very much a part of me and makes me who I am just as the good parts make up my personal façade. So who in this world has the ability to show and spread those evil wings of greed, hate, envy, lust, malice, selfishness, unrequited pride and be accepted for being a dark and benevolent devil? Who has the balls to show the claws, fangs, and the serpent pupils to their soul?
Who accepts that nagging beast within us all that needs to be satiated and acknowledged? The more you deny the beast, the stronger it grows. Gain control and accept the reins stapled and pierced within it’s hide. Find your light within your dark and dark within your light. Do not deny who you are since the more you ignore the beast , the more it becomes you. The beast is the every down beat of your heart, it is the sickness that manifests itself as doubt, it is the emptiness within your own damned pupils when you look in the mirror. It is always there slumbering, biding it’s time until it is fed, resting until the ambush of the kill. You can feel it squirm and tremble just before it lashes out in violence and with malice that is purposeful and direct. Lightning quick claws and fangs find their prey and you feel the light drain from your prey, be it your good side of yourself or tearing another person down. It’s gapping maw sucks every drop of life flow possible and when it is finished and full, you fell it become content and sated. You feel the hum of it’s purr within yourself. It resonates into your head, eyes, and heart. That dark side of your soul has just been fed and you damn well know it.
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