I can't move...

"I Can't Move" by Everlast got me thinking. Is it fear of failure that keep those who do not move forward settled right where they are? Is it laziness? Is it pride? For me it a combination of pride and fear that keeps me in my comfort zone. Why pursue something you may fail at when what you are doing right now works just fine? ::: sigh::: Well, that kind of thinking has lead me right to where I am right now. A high school drop out stay at home mom. Blah... I've been earning my HS credits slowly but surely but damn, I am more than this. Only if life had a "reset" button.

Everyone has been pressuring me into joining ADAF but ugh... I am going to have difficulties being away from Samantha for BMT and tech school. I also have authority issues. Heh... I would have to find an entirely different type of tolerance within myself. I don't know if I want to deal with the military BS, more than I already do, on daily basis. IF I do in, I'd li8ke to find a sign on bonus and I like to be a nurse or PT therapist. Maybe it's best that I a BA under my belt before joining? I just dunno. I do fear failure when so much is at stake. As far as education, only money is on the line with that. If I join, wow... my marriage would be at stake IMO. He'll either find he can cope without me or I learned I can cope even better than I thought without him. That or we just become closer.

I'm just ready to find my path and to be proud of that journey down it.

Blah...

I don't have much to report today. Had some weird dreams last night. One was about my husband cheating on me with my ex sister-in-law and current sister-in-law. He got the current sis-in-law pregnant and some how his family found nothing wrong about his behavior. He also had no shame in his behavior either. I was left with the dilemma of staying with him or leaving him. Then I woke up. How freaking bizarre and a definite "WTF" kind of dream. I'm not sure how to decipher that one and I'm not sure if I want to. Yikes.... :note to self~ lay of the meth before bed:

It's been an unproductive day as well. We did however get most everything for the birthday party rent/reserved/figured out. Tomorrow I will need to do some major shopping and I hope the Crammissary will not be too horrid.

That is all for now.

On another note

The recent death of an acquaintance has me a bit shook up about my cousin returning to Afghanistan. I just have a bad feeling about this tour of his. It's been a hard year for his side of the family. Within 90 days of each other, he lost his mom (my 2nd cousin) to brain cancer and his grandfather (my great uncle) to lung cancer. In between those two deaths he welcomed a baby boy into the world and was rewashed in the Q course. He and I were so very close as kids (even though we fought like brother and sister) and it pains me to know he has so little family left. His dad was never really a dad to him either. From what I can tell, he and the wifey has some issues going on as well. To be sent there for 12+ months with little to come back to has to be hard.

I just fear for him. I fear for them all.

I'm needing a shoulder to cry on and some one to wipe the tears away. So much is going on right now.

In a funk

"Youth is often wasted on the young."


I can't listen to this song without getting teary and thinking back to what my past was. I've come so far but yet have so much farther to go. Some parts are down right blacked out of my mind just because I refuse to relive them. It is now however coming back to bite me in the ass. My mind has had an excellent habit of "forgetting" what is traumatic or too painful but only to rehash those moments in time in my sleep. It's becoming very draining to wake up every morning with a cloud over my head. I could deal with the waking up sweaty and breathing heavy dreams but these are dreams that make you cry in your sleep and scream for someone who isn't even there. I'm just not sure what to do. I'm starting to think I'm cracked or broken mentally some where. I've done the whole therapy thing and I am just skeptical of the process. "Sessions" leave me feeling worse than what I did. It was hard enough meeting with a social worker before I had Samantha to explain my "red flags" in my records. Thankfully, the social worker found me completely sane, pitied me, and asked if there was anyone he could refer me to in particular on base if I'd like. If I ever need medication there's no shame and he's has a few friends who dealt with similar cases. Well, that in all made me feel no better about my past but at least I was sane. Maybe this home blogging crap could be therapy? Doesn't even matter if anyone reads it.

Happy Birthday!

I'm having a hard time believing that today my daughter is a year old. I feel a bit guilty about not having a huge party today on THE day but a cold knocked me on my butt and she's been battling an upper respiratory infection. So... bigger party next weekend!

It just seems so surreal to be a mother at times. It's hard to explain but she has brought meaning to my life and is the light in my eyes. I'm not sure how I lived without her.

Happy Birthday My Little Tadpole! ~Love Mumma

The Tide. I'm on a roll today!

"The Tide" mainly is meant refer to depression, fear, insecurity, loneliness, etc. Take it as you wish though.


The tide is creeping
While I have been weeping

It flows in slowly
To swallow me wholly

To fight is hopeless
We all do know this

To swallow it as it seeks
Shall leave me full and weak

If I shall swim beneath
I shall be swallowed with teeth

If I shall swim above
My fear will be a lack thereof

The things that swirl around in my head....

Not a formal poem rather somewhat a verse.

A pin prick

A knife stick

Pain is real

Pain is quick

It is a slow burn

You cannot feel

Until it’s too late

And you cannot heal

Pain is profound

It is lost and it is found

Your soul

Is its hiding ground

From hate it is wrought

From fear is sought

Run fast

Before you are caught

Devour of it what you plan

Ye may be but a mortal man

Stronger souls

Forge from it what they can