Everyday Rhetoric

Rainy day out so I have time to update.

2011-06-21T11:26:00.003+09:00

Well, at least I made it twenty some days with that photo challenge. I lasted longer than I expected to. I've been busy with being outdoors, mothering, sewing, knitting, cleaning, cooking, gardening, crocheting... you know, the usual for a domestic rockstar like myself. ;-) Summer isn't quite as warm as I would like it to be here in Anchorage but at least it's not winter! I'm kind of disappointed my hot peppers (jalapenos, thai chilis, and habeneros) did not sprout at all. I think I will have to start them waaaaay in advance next year under some UV lights. We'll see what I can fashion up in the walk-in closet in my bedroom that I don't use.

:gasp: What's that? She's a woman and hasn't used the walk in closet for billions of clothes. The short answer, no, I have not. I'm in the process of loosing weight and clothes that I haven't fit into in three and a half years are starting to fit again. There's no point in unpacking all my clothes until I am done shrinking and able to go through what I can get rid of with confidence I am NOT going to fit into them again. It definitely has not been easy. I'm currently hovering just 2 lbs. above my pre-pregnancy weight and I have lost rough 72-74 pounds since my daughter was born in September of 2008. What was really the tipping point was there was one jab at my weight that hit too hard and I was sick of my weight being exploited as weakness. I'm going to make sure that if anyone wants to take jabs at me, it's going to be about my character, not my waist line. Unfortunately, my mother still has the same disgusted sneer she had when I was 138 lbs. I'm not sure what she expects. Just once I want her to say I am the most beautiful thing she has ever created because that is how I feel about my own daughter, no matter her physical condition. I'd even settle for a "You're beautiful" but it will never come. She couldn't even bring herself to say it on my wedding day or when I was pregnant. Silly me to expect it any other time in my life.

Anyways, enough soul bearing. I've given up alcohol (I have maybe one beer every couple of months). So um... yeah. I'm quite a good time now considering what I do and do not consume.
My diet:
Limited carbs, 1- at most 3 serving daily (I couldn't give them up completely, it was too hard)
Limited sugar (I keep absolutely no sweets in the house. The most sugar I usually have is in my morning coffee and it's 1 1/2 teaspoons)
Limited red meat (I eat mostly eggs and chicken. I occasionally have lean ground beef, steak, pork, or lamb)
Limited starchy vegetables
I don't eat breakfast. I know that is a big no-no with many people but I just do not usually wake up hungry so I wait for "brunch." I make sure the meal is well rounded and it is usually my largest meal of the day.
No eating after 8pm and if I do, it's straight protein or greens. Occasionally, I'll cheat and have a small bowl of cereal if I am REALLY hungry.
No soda or sweetened drinks
No prepacked foods
Low sodium (You would be amazed how nasty food is after you wean yourself off of a sodium dependency)
Instead of one cheat day a week, I have small cheats everyday. It helps me feel normal and less deprived.

I have my weak moments but I am human. I'm trying to become more active but it's hard to hit the gym when you're a single parent. I try to workout at home but I just end up with a toddler crawling all over me. It's not her fault. It's mine for letting myself get like this. My kooky doctor seems to think there be something more wrong with me since I have what is called a "buffalo hump." It's been a progressive bend in my lower neck that I just thought was getting worse due to my DDD breasts and it's seems to be pudgy for some reason. I have another appointment next week and I'll see what he thinks it is. In the mean time, I am not worrying about.

The clone is a little brat sometimes. I feel bad sometimes for being strict with her but when it comes to discipline; I am the judge, jury, and executioner. I only have one set of eyes, ears, arms, and hands so when I need her to do something or I tell her to do something, I mean business and there is no discussion on the matter. She's pushing almost three now and she is good for the most part. She smart and has a superb memory. She amazes me that she can remember where we bought an object from nine months ago. It's a amazing. She seems to have taken a fascination with human anatomy, especially the skeleton. The gross anatomy dissection book I have kind of worries her but she looks at it none the less. There is no point in censoring human anatomy from her. She seemed more comfortable and a bit relieved when I explained that the people in the book did not feel pain when the doctors cut them apart since they were dead beforehand. It will be interesting to see what this progresses into in the future. I feed her all the medical books her heart desires since I know how much I poured myself over them when I was a kid. Books are such a beautiful gift.

I bid you all adieu since it is time to feed everyone and by everyone I mean us and the zoo (two dogs, two guinea pigs, and a hamster).

Food for thought: If you know a good woman, love her like she deserves. We're more fragile than what we seem and more much powerful that what we allow to break us. We find solace in pain and in the process of resurrecting ourselves because out of the rubble and ash, we rise anew and more affirmed of what we a capable of. We rise against so others may know who we are.

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.

~Anais Nin

Twenty two

2011-05-27T16:15:00.003+09:00

A picture of a dish you have created:

Dinner, chicken wings with a personal proprietary spice blend/rub. I would have to shank you in the kidneys after I tell you the recipe, seriously.

Dessert, low carb peanut butter cookies. I had a sweet craving and I have a shit ton of peanut butter in my cupboard. They were soooooooo easy to make. All you need is 1c of p.b., 1c of splenda, and one egg. Mix, pop into a preheated 350* oven for 9 minutes. No flour or butter.

Absence.

2011-05-26T04:26:00.012+09:00

I have three days to post today. It's been too damn nice out to worry about a blog.

Day 21- A picture of your favorite food and/or drink:
Lately, I have been addicted to pad thai. I get it so spicy that at times, it burns my throat so bad that I think I am about to throw up. Insane? Yes. Good kind of pain? Absolutely.

Day 19- A picture of your favorite cartoon character:
I honestly cannot think of any cartoon other than X-Men that I was really, really into and that was because I read the comics.

Rogue (no, the movies and Anna Paquin do not do the character justice!!!!) and dark Phoenix aka Jean Grey were my favorite female characters.

Day 20- A picture of your pet (if you don’t have a pet, a picture of an animal that you want):

Pets... plural. We have two dogs (Daisy and Kaida), two guinea pigs (Fats "Domino" and Chubby "Checker"), and a hamster (Buddie).

Daisy and my daughter:

Kaida:

The guinea pigs:

and... the hamster.

Day Eighteen

2011-05-23T16:43:00.002+09:00

The last thing you bought:
A caramel frappuccino. I had a coupon. :-| I'm more of an iced coffee or cafe au lait type of person nor do I frequent Starbucks that often. They do however make a killer devil's food cupcake that the clone never lets me forget every time we go to Barnes and Noble. It has become a ritual for us. Books and a sugar fix...

2011-05-21T17:50:00.007+09:00

I could make myself sick off of salt water taffy. Even Laffy Taffy is good too. Unfortunately, my fucked up jaw can only handle so much taffy before it locks.

Clothes

2011-05-21T05:17:00.003+09:00

Since it would not be appropriate to post myself in my pajamas, I'll post my favorite day time clothes. I am a t-shirt and jeans girl through and through. I like to get dressed up but I really hate high heels. I loathe wearing them with a passion but I like shoes and I like having pretty heels. One too many stress fractures (I have high school athletics to thank for those) in my ankles have made them painful to wear. Seriously, I do like high heels. I just hate wearing them. It's painful torture for me.

Anyways, t-shirt and jeans kind of woman 90% of the time.

I apologize for the bathroom mirror self portrait but I am the only camera wielder in the house at the moment.

I've fallen in love with this man's voice.

2011-05-20T17:36:00.002+09:00

I stumbled upon this group doing my usual Youtube foraging. Meet my next iTunes purchase.

This one hits so, so very close to home.

I am very much looking forward to new album.

Heart of a Lion

2011-05-20T04:58:00.004+09:00

There is one thing that most of the Leo women never falls short of - male attention. She will most probably be the center of attention everywhere and if you are trying to woo her, be ready to get lots of competition. She will be the leader of her group and the other members will always accept her out of choice. The typical characteristics profile of a Leo woman includes qualities like liveliness, ingenuity, elegance, beauty, and sensuality. She is one of those who love, respect and care for their partners, but don't expect her to worship you.

She wouldn't be dominated; rather she has to be restrained. She is a complete woman and she expects you to be a real man. If you meet a Leo girl who comes across as very gentle, mellowed and completely harmless, don't get fooled. Inside, she is as passionate as any other Leo woman. If you are planning to give her a gift; better make sure that it is classy and as per her superior taste. Please be properly dressed while giving the gift. If you are trying to win the heart of a Leo female, give her genuine, decent and original compliments.

While courting her, never forget that she likes class and style. Don't even think of going to the roadside hamburger stall after watching the movie. She is not after money, but shabby surroundings make her pretty uncomfortable. In return, she will also shower you expensive gifts. The lioness may become a little arrogant and proud at times, but these are some of her basic personality traits. She cannot help thinking of herself above the normal masses and please don't tell her she's not. You will break her big, warm heart.

A Leo woman who is respected, loved and cherished will become one of the most agreeable as well as the kindest person on this earth. She will care for the children and help the needy. The lioness is a combination of intelligence, wit, strength and talent, mixed with generous amounts of feminine charm. This is what makes her irresistible. The best way to make her do anything is flatter her and she will even do the tiniest of chores for you. Never stop her from having a career after marriage. It will keep her busy, happy and contended. She will be the best wife and the perfect hostess, who knows how to charm the guests.

Leo women are not very careful about money and you will have to restrain her in this aspect. She can indulge in extravagance to fulfill her desire for exquisite furnishings, home décor, gifts for friends or even her own clothes. However, one thing is for sure, neither her home nor she will ever look ordinary. Her taste may be a bit expensive, but it is also excellent.

Leo females make affectionate mothers. They love and pamper their children silly, but also demand respect from them. They will be disciplined and have impeccable manners. Leo woman will be proud of you as well as her children. She wants her independence and will give you yours too. At the same time, she is extremely jealous and possessive and even the slightest suspicion can make her go mad. So, better not try to play the jealousy invoking tricks on her. She doesn't warm up to strangers, but she will not give them the cold shoulder also.

Leo women are very popular amongst the opposite sex and they like to receive male attention and compliments. So, you will get plenty of reasons to be jealous. Remember that all this assures her that she is good enough, but she will always be in love with you. With the Leo girl, you have to maintain a difficult balance. Don't let her control you, but then don't make her feel dominated too. If you manage to do all this, you will be getting the love of a woman most of the other men just dream about!

While I do not feel a drive to be adored by everyone, I feel most of the broad characteristic ring true for myself. And no, I do not like to be the center of attention. Life has taught me to be humble but confident in myself.

The afternoon is off to a wonderful start

2011-05-19T06:04:00.002+09:00

First off, if you are going to make racist comments, you either man up and say them to the person's face or keep your voice low enough to where I cannot hear you. The background conversation of how it's a pity I have a "n***er ass" was heard. Fine, I have a fat, thick, ass. I get it. What really fucking pissed me off is the fact that you then turned your racial scrutiny upon my daughter. No, she would not be an object perfection IF she was blond. She's absolutely perfect the way she is now, dark hair and all. I hope my verbal attack was enough to make your ignorant asses rethink your views on race and you almost made me loose my temper in front of my daughter. If she had not been with me, my foot would have been so far up your ass that you'd be tasting my toes. Fucking ignorant, racist, pricks. I hope you die of HIV contracted from your sister's cunt.

One thing that makes me homesick.

2011-05-18T17:53:00.004+09:00

Day 14- A picture of your favorite fast food place:
Saginaw's Old Town Drive-In. Yes, it is a true old fashioned drive in where you can still eat in your car with those nifty window trays. They also have a small area inside for a dine-in experience as well.

God, I love this place. All their hot dogs are Koegel (Michigan owned and produced) hot dogs. Koegel hot dogs are honestly they only hot dog I actually enjoy eating outside of an Oscar Mayer cheese dog. Seriously, they are fan-f*cking-tastic. They have a natural casing so the have a crunch to them and the filling is not too dissimilar from knackwurst. Also, a Michigan coney dog is a thing of beauty. You've got your Koegel hot dog, savory coney sauce, a line of mustard, and onions. Yum.

Another one of my favorites is called a sizzle steak. It's thin sliced rib-eye sandwiched over a ground beef patty, grilled, and served on a bun. This is OUR version of a White Castle burger. I eat them with nothing but cheese on it. It honestly doesn't need anything else on it.

Old Town also has an in-house root beer that you will be hard pressed to find else where or duplicate. It's hard to explain but it's root beer but only with more strong flavors of vanilla and maple. It's also not overly carbonated either. It's great stuff.

This place is always one of my first stops when visiting home.

Day 13

2011-05-18T08:20:00.015+09:00

A picture of your best friend(s):
We'll start with the oldest to the newest.

I have known Andi (Clark) Kittle since 1997. We were friends all through school and kind of drifted apart when we both went through major life changes. We've came back together when once we aged a bit and we have a different level of respect for one another. I would do anything within my power for her and I do believe she would do the same. She has been very supportive and encouraging in my times of need. Andi is a wonderful, eccentric, and loving person.

I totally thought Courtney Kay was a bitch upon our first meeting, lol. (Forgive me Courtney) She puts forth a tough front but deep down, she cares deeply about the people close to her. She's had a rough past and I can relate to that. It has taken a long time to become friends with her and I would do nothing to betray a certain level of trust I have gained with her. She's been supportive when dealing with family issues and with my daughter. Courtney has provided some of the best parenting advice ever. I miss bullshitting in the barn with her and her family.

David Knickerbocker was one of the few people I befriended in Okinawa back in March of 2008. He has been a good friend, a great drunken counsel, and solid sounding board on life in general. What I love about David is that he has his principles and ethics and he will uphold those to his death. I miss his silliness.

(Far left) Jules.... Only I get to call him that, or at least I should be the only one. I first met him in April of 2008. His family has became my family and vice versa. He has provided me with guidance, counsel, humor, respect, and love. There isn't anything in this world I would not do for this man or his family. We have had our share of good nights out in Okinawa together.

My daughter. This one is self explanatory. She makes me laugh and she soothes my soul. I can't imagine life without her.

Dan, far left. Dan has been a tough nut to crack but under all the defenses, he's a very caring and considerate person. He's realistic and grounded. Dan has provided me with a neutral place to vent and voice my concerns. I would do anything for him, if it was asked of me.

I am very fortunate to have all these great people in my life. They have all supported me when it was needed and they help bring out the best in me. I can only hope I do the same for them. I love them all very much.

Another two for one day

2011-05-17T04:18:00.006+09:00

Day 11- A picture of your favorite animal:
Dogs. I could go with something exotic but meh... I have a soft spot for dogs. Playing with a box of puppies would put me on cloud nine for the whole day.

Day 12- A picture of your favorite celebrity:

I personally construed celebrity for actor or actress since I do not really follow the lives of celebrities. Liam Neeson is one of my favorite actors and the first to pop into my head.

A two for one day.

2011-05-14T03:28:00.008+09:00

Day 10- A picture of a random item you own:
Closest thing to me, a Piers Anthony book. The scary thing is that I haven't read it yet and I have owned it for about five days now. O.O

Day 9- A picture with you and your mother:
Top Row (L-R)- My mom, Aunt Lori, Great Grandma Leitz, and my grandma Haven.
Bottom- my cousin Misty and I. I was roughly nine months old.
Oddly enough, the family room still looks the same exact way it did 26 years ago in 1985.

I am trembling with excitement over this one....

2011-05-12T03:56:00.005+09:00

Tag Acht: A picture of a plant/tree/flower. Really? It can't be something more exciting?

Taken in August 2007 in Waikiki, Hawaii and shopped to my own artistic liking by the one and only, moi. I was flying home for my grandfather's funeral on that trip. I'm sure Hawaii is much more exciting when you are not mourning.

Day Seven- Picture of my desktop

2011-05-11T05:39:00.003+09:00

Sorry, I just cannot get enough of her cute face. That photo has to be one of my all time favorite pictures of her.

Why I hate the BMI index

2011-05-10T17:58:00.004+09:00

I have struggled with my weight for YEARS. I have never been "thin" and I pack away a lot of muscle. I also have packed on fat within the past ten years as well. Life changes, habit changes, and most of all, diet changes are to blame. I however loathe the American BMI index. I loathe it with a passion. I am short and stocky but as said, I am not without muscle.

So using the BMI calculator:
64" @ 190, I have a BMI index of 32.6 which is the obesity range. Ok, fine. I was considered "obese" when I was in high school.

But using the long hand calculations, measurements, and taking the time to work this all out... I get a very different answer. I'll break it down step by step.

Body Fat Formula For Women

Step 1: Multiply total body weight x 0.732, then add 8.987 = Result 1
Step 2: Divide wrist measurement (at fullest point) by 3.140 = Result 2
Step 3: Multiply waist measurement (at naval) x 0.157 = Result 3
Step 4: Multiply hip measurement (at fullest point) x 0.249 = Result 4
Step 5: Multiply forearm measurement (at fullest point) x 0.434 = Result 5
Step 6: Add Step 1 + 2, subtract Step 3, subtract Step 4 and add Step 5 = Lean Body Mass
Step 7: Subtract lean body mass from total body weight = Body Fat Weight
Step 8: Multiply body fat weight x 100, then divide it by total body weight = Body Fat Percentage.

1. 190 x 0.732 + 8.987= 148.067
2. 6.5/3.140= 2.07006
3. 34.5 x 0.157= 5.4165
4. 45.5 x 0.249= 11.3295
5. 11 x 0.434= 4.774
6. (138.16106)
7. 51.83894
8. 27.283%

Fat Percentage Categories:
Essential Fat Women 10-12% Men 2-4%
Athletes Women 14-20% Men 6-13%
Fitness Women 21-24% Men 14-17%
Acceptable Women 25-31% Men 18-25%
Obese Women 32% + Men 25% +

HA! Fuckers.... I am within acceptable range.

On to hip to waist ratio:
Hip: 45.5
Waist: 34.5
34.5/45.5= 0.7752
Again, within acceptable range.

The WHR has been used as an indicator or measure of the health of a person, and the risk of developing serious health conditions. Research shows that people with "apple-shaped" bodies (with more weight around the waist) face more health risks than those with "pear-shaped" bodies who carry more weight around the hips.
WHR is used as a measurement of obesity, which in turn is a possible indicator of other more serious health conditions.
A WHR of 0.7 for women and 0.9 for men have been shown to correlate strongly with general health and fertility. Women within the 0.7 range have optimal levels of estrogen and are less susceptible to major diseases such as diabetes, cardiovascular disorders and ovarian cancers.[4] Men with WHRs around 0.9, similarly, have been shown to be more healthy and fertile with less prostate cancer and testicular cancer.[5]
WHR has been found to be a more efficient predictor of mortality in older people than waist circumference or body mass index (BMI).[6] If obesity is redefined using WHR instead of BMI, the proportion of people categorized as at risk of heart attack worldwide increases threefold.[7] The body fat percentage is considered to be an even more accurate measure of relative weight. Of these three measurements, only the waist-hip ratio takes account of the differences in body structure. Hence, it is possible for two women to have vastly different body mass indices but the same waist-hip ratio, or to have the same body mass index but vastly different waist-hip ratios.

So which is it? The long handed measurements or the catch all "boogeyman" BMI table? Why do health organizations even use BMI any more? Even by AF military standards, I am acceptable. WTF?

Anyways, the was rant that was a long time coming. I am heavy but I am a work horse. Besides, what's wrong with a 36-34-45?
/rant

A dream house, Day 6

2011-05-10T05:31:00.007+09:00

I'm quite simple actually. I would be very happy with a simple hobby farm where I could keep:
Sheep, alpacas, or ox for fiber (3-4 animals)
A few steer for meat
A small boarding operation for horses (4-6 stalls)
A chicken coop for eggs and meat (8 layers, more for meat)
A small kennel for boarding purposes (4-8 dog runs)
A pond or pool
An area for a garden
and of course, a house. I'd like 2-4 bedrooms, dining room, spacious kitchen, a porch.

27 acres with a Nice Private Cape Cod Country House. Built in 2005. Located in Stokes County just 10 minutes outside of King off of Hwy 66 N. 2100 +/- square feet. 2 stories. 1st level: a large kitchen with lots of cabinets and counter top space, dining room with french doors, a utility room with lots of cabinets and a bath, living room is large and open to the Kitchen with a rock fireplace equipped with gas logs, a large master bedroom with an attached screened in porch, a large master bath with dual sinks, shower, tub with jets, lots of cabinets and a walk in closet. 2nd level: 2 bedrooms and a full bath, a utility closet and lots of attic space. There is a wrap around porch on the front of the house with great views of Hanging Rock and Sauratown Mountain and on a clear night you can see the Winston- Salem lights from 30 miles away. Behind the home is an old log barn that has been restored for storage. Winston and Mt. Airy are 30 minutes away. Too many great features to list. $440,000

I have no idea where this is at (Thanks Yahoo Images!) but it sounds perfect.

Mother's Day

2011-05-09T08:17:00.002+09:00

First off, Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. I know my life changed drastically (for the better) once I became a mother. Days like today help me appreciate my daughter even more.

Day 5 of the photo challenge: A picture of your favorite board game.

I love, love, love spanking people in Monopoly. In the very rare instance that I do loose, I am a very poor sport about it.

This one is simple.

2011-05-08T16:07:00.002+09:00

A picture of a person you would want to be on a deserted island with.

My daughter. I cannot imagine life without her.

Day 3

2011-05-07T14:14:00.005+09:00

A picture of something you want really badly.

Here it is, a horse. I miss that huge part of my life like a limb that has been severed off my body. I am living without it but I don't feel whole with it gone. It's so expensive here and I would have to re-establish all my tack. Ugh.... I just wish I would have never had to have gotten out of it. :sigh: Maybe that's why I am not as content as I could be? It was my slice heaven, my sanctuary, my outlet, and my temple of life. Life always seem so much clear after a good, long trail ride outside on a sunny day.

The bottom two photos are in Seward, AK which is 2-2 1/2 hours away.

Day 2

2011-05-06T04:31:00.008+09:00

A picture of your favorite movie. Um... yeah. This is a tough one so we're going for a trifecta.

Why? It's one of those cerebral movies about dystopian future. Plus, I like Philip K. Dick.

See the reasoning up above. This is one of the first sci-fi movies I ever remember watching as a kid outside of Star Wars and Star Trek. It made it's mark on me.

I like 99.9% of Ridley Scott's work. I loved the hell out of this movie as a kid, so much so that I actually wore out the VHS tape. Not to mention, Tim Curry was brilliant as Darkness.

Cranberry Chicken, low-carb recipe

2011-05-05T12:47:00.004+09:00

This is inspired by a recipe I came across on the net that I warped into my own thing.
1-1.5lbs of boneless, skinless, chicken thighs
1/4t garam masala
1t chicken seasoning
1/4t freshly ground pepper
2 cloves of garlic, smashed
1/2" of fresh garlic, cut into thin slices
1c dried cranberries
1c red wine
1Tbs. balsamic vinegar
1Tbs. olive oil
1/4c minced onion
1Tbs. honey
1T butter

Mix chicken, chicken seasoning, pepper, and garam masala together in a baggie or bowl. Set aside and let marinate for at least one hour.

Mix cranberries, wine, garlic, ginger, and vinegar in a bowl. Let cranberries reconstitute in the bowl until they are plumped up. You can speed up the process by microwaving the mix for a minute or so until warmed. Set aside for roughly an hour or more.

One the first two steps are completed, heat the olive oil in a skillet. Braised the chicken until evenly browned. Take chicken off, set aside. Drain excess (leave about 1Tbs.) oil without removing the cracklings.

Saute onion in the oil until translucent. Grab you cranberry mixture and remove the ginger slices. Dump the mixture into the pan. Use the liquid to loosen up any cracklings left. Add honey. Bring to a boil and add your chicken back in. Simmer until the sauce is reduced to a desired consistency. Add butter shortly before serving.

I chose to serve this over sauted green peppers and it was AWESOME!

Yup.

2011-05-05T05:32:00.006+09:00

So I've have decided to participate in this little photo challenge since I am far from hatching too many original thoughts at the moment.

Day 1- A picture of your dream car.
Day 2- A picture of your favorite movie.
Day 3- A picture of something you want really badly.
Day 4- A picture of a person you would want to be on a deserted island with.
Day 5- A picture of your favorite board game.
Day 6- A picture of your dream house,
Day 7- A picture of the background that is on your laptop/desktop.
Day 8- A picture of a plant/tree/flower.
Day 9- A picture with you and your mother.
Day 10- A picture of a random item you own.
Day 11- A picture of your favorite animal
Day 12- A picture of your favorite celebrity.
Day 13- A picture of your best friend(s)
Day 14- A picture of your favorite fast food place.
Day 15- A picture of your zodiac sign.
Day 16- A picture of your favorite outfit.
Day 17- A picture of your favorite candy.
Day 18- A picture of the last thing you bought.
Day 19- A picture of your favorite cartoon character.
Day 20- A picture of your pet (if you don’t have a pet, a picture of an animal that you want)
Day 21- A picture of your favorite food and/or drink.
Day 22- A picture of a meal you created.
Day 23- A picture of a word you use a lot of.
Day 24- A picture of your favorite clothing store.
Day 25- A picture of your favorite hairstyle.
Day 26- A picture of yourself a year ago.
Day 27- A picture of someone who makes you laugh the most.
Day 28- A picture of the person who knows you best.
Day 29- A picture of your favorite restaurant.
Day 30- A picture of your countries flag and/or troops.

Day numero uno:
Everyone loves Chevelles, not this girl. I cannot even explain how many I have seen time and time again at car shows. The are nice cars in their own right but what I would love, love, love to have is a '69 - early 70's SS Nova with 454 Big Block.
I'm not a fan on the orange/red though. I'd go with blue or black with silver stripes.

I knew I was going to be horrible at this

2011-05-04T15:54:00.003+09:00

Well, it's been almost a year since I last posted and it's actually no surprise to me. I was never any good at keeping a diary or journal.

There have been some major changes since last year. We moved from Okinawa, Japan to Anchorage, Alaska in late August of 2010. It was painful to leave for personal reasons but it felt nice to move forward. Since then, I am have been a single parent since my husband is stationed in Korea. It has been challenging at times. Not many places cater to single parents. It's been hard getting a job since I have a three employment gap, I can't work weekends, and I need to pretty much work 07:00-18:00. My situation is highly inflexible. To add to that, the base's child care has recently went through a management change that has screwed me over completely. I have to take my situation for what it is though. I would rather have my daughter safe in my home with me than at some strangers house just so I can go on a job interview. We're passing on one income but the cost of living here is a tad more expensive than what we had expected.

On a more positive note, Alaska is gorgeous. It is beyond phenomenal to have "breathing" room again. I loved Okinawa but it just felt too cramped for me. Here, I can just jump in the car and see things most people will never see in their lifetime. It's awesome and I am looking forward to summer!

Pukey McBarfsalot

2010-05-26T01:42:00.003+09:00

I've been sick and not right for the past... five days. I don't know if I caught a virus or what but I'm tired of getting sick everyday. Even as I type this, the nausea is setting in almost like morning sickness. It's not morning sickness though, thank god! Blah...

Anyways, the S/O starts ALS this morning. I am hoping he will be gone long enough for me to make some head way in cleaning, throwing shit out, and packing without any interference. Babydoll and I will just have to work out a deal to where she watches Dora while mumma gets things done. I really hate letting her zone out but I have to get this all done and SOON!

2010-05-22T03:33:00.003+09:00

You know, I wanted to go one about how I am plighted with a sickness but I don't think many people will sympathize. I'm more of a broken romantic than I ever was. I learned my lesson the hard way by letting someone in over the walls and through the armor. Some days, it's not so bad but others, I feel sick about it.

So...
I lament my sad lament and chalk it up as a lesson learned. The tears that fall are nothing more than weakness leaving my soul.

It's been a while.

2010-05-08T22:11:00.002+09:00

So, blogging may not be a daily or even monthly thing for me. Heh, who knew? Well, I did. I kind of knew this would fall through but it's still here when I need it I guess. A lot of changes lie ahead and I'm pretty sure I am ready for it all. It's time to breathe new life into this life of mine. I've grown complacent and overly comfortable and I'm starting to feel antsy. Not much of a future lies back in Michigan for me but hey, it's somewhere different from here. I'm trying to make my own but curse "life" and how it gets in the way. In retrospect, if I changed anything I would not be who I am today. I'm starting to appreciate who I am more and more with each passing day. I accept being a black sheep and I embrace it. For so long when I was younger, it was a bane and curse because I was so misunderstood. The more you spread your wings, the more you enjoy the breeze carrying you. The more you buck the trend, the more you enjoy being off beat. That's me. There's no denying it, no avoiding it, no changing it.

Lately, this song just gives me goosebumps. It's my anthem for the next few months.

"Crystal Ball"

Drinking wine and thinking bliss, is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head cascading up and down again
Up and down and round again, down and up and down again.

Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken them all.
Just to end up right back here on the floor.
To end up right back here in on the floor.

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all.

The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace and
I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.

Oh I've felt that fire and I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned.

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all.

Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
What it does to me, what it's done to me.
What is done...done

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Broken mirrors and a black cats cold stare,
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I'll meet you there.

But I'm not scared at all, hmm...I'm not scared at all.

Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball

More recent revelation

2009-12-21T18:35:00.003+09:00

Have you ever wanted something so badly that when you actually get it, you freeze up and go "Oh shit. What do I do now?" I just couldn't dive in head first and divulge what I actually wanted or how I truly felt. Something in me froze. I was/am afraid. I seriously could have handle the situation better. I could have for once been a normal person instead of the mangled, messed up, lump of issues. So... ideal situation was diffused all because I, and I know better, froze the fuck up. I'm not good at new things. New, scary, and intense things at that.

I feel bad for passing this situation over casually because it wasn't.

So, why am I afraid of what I want?

Recent Rambling...

2009-12-21T18:28:00.000+09:00

What exactly is the Holy Grail of Happiness? Is it taking pride in your self worth? Is it watching your spawn growing and flourishing? Is it money? Is it being able to fill that void of self doubt? Is it materialistic or proverbial? I honestly do not believe that there are many people on this Earth that can honestly claim that they are completely happy with their lives and themselves. If those people do exist, I guarantee you they live an uncluttered and stress free life. With love comes hate. With wealth comes greed. With pride comes malice. There is just an opposite reaction to everything, positive and negative. So how does one find balance and happiness with in all of the life’s turmoil and tribulations? Those of us who are so very aware of ourselves are broken and damaged, scarred and beaten, suffocated and stifled. So where to do you break the ties that bind you? How do you fill that nagging hole within you? How do you quiet those thousands of doubts within your own mind? How do you free your soul? How do you feed your soul that makes you, you? I wish there were answers, other than the religious ones, to all of those questions. It would make life easier but then life would alas, not be life.

So rarely do we come across another human being that is willing and able to accept us for the true us. IMO, to find that is a gift in life. To be able to look into another person’s eyes and just KNOW what they may be feeling or appreciate what they have been through is a one in a million occurrence. I trust so few people, if anyone at all, that I am so afraid to let people know my “dark and twisty” side of me that I just bury it. I bury deep where it sleeps and slumbers, ever growing stronger with rest and a warm place to stay. It does not consume me but I do have to accept it as it is very much a part of me and makes me who I am just as the good parts make up my personal façade. So who in this world has the ability to show and spread those evil wings of greed, hate, envy, lust, malice, selfishness, unrequited pride and be accepted for being a dark and benevolent devil? Who has the balls to show the claws, fangs, and the serpent pupils to their soul?

Who accepts that nagging beast within us all that needs to be satiated and acknowledged? The more you deny the beast, the stronger it grows. Gain control and accept the reins stapled and pierced within it’s hide. Find your light within your dark and dark within your light. Do not deny who you are since the more you ignore the beast , the more it becomes you. The beast is the every down beat of your heart, it is the sickness that manifests itself as doubt, it is the emptiness within your own damned pupils when you look in the mirror. It is always there slumbering, biding it’s time until it is fed, resting until the ambush of the kill. You can feel it squirm and tremble just before it lashes out in violence and with malice that is purposeful and direct. Lightning quick claws and fangs find their prey and you feel the light drain from your prey, be it your good side of yourself or tearing another person down. It’s gapping maw sucks every drop of life flow possible and when it is finished and full, you fell it become content and sated. You feel the hum of it’s purr within yourself. It resonates into your head, eyes, and heart. That dark side of your soul has just been fed and you damn well know it.

2009-11-22T12:05:00.001+09:00

2009-11-16T11:06:00.002+09:00

Clarity. Is it objective or subjective? It quite possibly could be both in my life. To have a clouded mind is a curse but makes one all too human. Life is rarely black and white and those gray areas that exist cause that fog that creeps in to obscure your view. Ones heart can say one thing but your mind can say another. Inner conflict ensues. Common sense often over rides many desires as well. Inner conflict ensues. Gray area... it's all gray. Am I just that wishy-washy of a person? Sometimes I just feel like a compass needle going nuts within the directional star in which it spins. Just pick a bearing. Just stop spinning. Wait, what is making me go crazy in the first place? Can I even answer that question? Probably not. The truth is a that I actually do not have an answer for what ails me. I'm a grown woman lost in the world with little girl feelings about the unknown. There are bogeymen and monsters that lie in the dark looking to make the worst of me, to make me fail, to make me stumble, to make me unsure, to make me doubt myself. I cling to the familiar, I cling to what is known even though that may not be what is best in this life. I fight change. I run, I kick, and I scream to avoid it. All the changes up until I was an adult were changes for the worse so I associated change with a turn for the worse. Things will get harder, more difficult, and life will become more of a burden if things change. So some how, I long for change but only change for the better. Changes that make the change worth while. Is it time to take a deep breath and dive into the darkness to see what lies within? Why do I feel rushed to make a change? I feel like casting away the baggage I've been carrying but ah ha! That means a change is coming. SO... heh. I'm back at square one wishing for clarity and a weapon against those monsters that lurk in the darkness. I'm pining for more. My soul needs it and craves it.

2009-10-26T18:43:00.001+09:00

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Neil Gaiman

The difference between friendship and love is how much you can actually hurt each other.

I can't move...

2009-09-29T11:21:00.003+09:00

"I Can't Move" by Everlast got me thinking. Is it fear of failure that keep those who do not move forward settled right where they are? Is it laziness? Is it pride? For me it a combination of pride and fear that keeps me in my comfort zone. Why pursue something you may fail at when what you are doing right now works just fine? ::: sigh::: Well, that kind of thinking has lead me right to where I am right now. A high school drop out stay at home mom. Blah... I've been earning my HS credits slowly but surely but damn, I am more than this. Only if life had a "reset" button.

Everyone has been pressuring me into joining ADAF but ugh... I am going to have difficulties being away from Samantha for BMT and tech school. I also have authority issues. Heh... I would have to find an entirely different type of tolerance within myself. I don't know if I want to deal with the military BS, more than I already do, on daily basis. IF I do in, I'd li8ke to find a sign on bonus and I like to be a nurse or PT therapist. Maybe it's best that I a BA under my belt before joining? I just dunno. I do fear failure when so much is at stake. As far as education, only money is on the line with that. If I join, wow... my marriage would be at stake IMO. He'll either find he can cope without me or I learned I can cope even better than I thought without him. That or we just become closer.

I'm just ready to find my path and to be proud of that journey down it.

Blah...

2009-09-14T17:21:00.004+09:00

I don't have much to report today. Had some weird dreams last night. One was about my husband cheating on me with my ex sister-in-law and current sister-in-law. He got the current sis-in-law pregnant and some how his family found nothing wrong about his behavior. He also had no shame in his behavior either. I was left with the dilemma of staying with him or leaving him. Then I woke up. How freaking bizarre and a definite "WTF" kind of dream. I'm not sure how to decipher that one and I'm not sure if I want to. Yikes.... :note to self~ lay of the meth before bed:

It's been an unproductive day as well. We did however get most everything for the birthday party rent/reserved/figured out. Tomorrow I will need to do some major shopping and I hope the Crammissary will not be too horrid.

That is all for now.

2009-09-13T22:07:00.007+09:00

On another note

2009-09-13T21:34:00.004+09:00

The recent death of an acquaintance has me a bit shook up about my cousin returning to Afghanistan. I just have a bad feeling about this tour of his. It's been a hard year for his side of the family. Within 90 days of each other, he lost his mom (my 2nd cousin) to brain cancer and his grandfather (my great uncle) to lung cancer. In between those two deaths he welcomed a baby boy into the world and was rewashed in the Q course. He and I were so very close as kids (even though we fought like brother and sister) and it pains me to know he has so little family left. His dad was never really a dad to him either. From what I can tell, he and the wifey has some issues going on as well. To be sent there for 12+ months with little to come back to has to be hard.

I just fear for him. I fear for them all.

I'm needing a shoulder to cry on and some one to wipe the tears away. So much is going on right now.

In a funk

2009-09-13T21:08:00.002+09:00

"Youth is often wasted on the young."

I can't listen to this song without getting teary and thinking back to what my past was. I've come so far but yet have so much farther to go. Some parts are down right blacked out of my mind just because I refuse to relive them. It is now however coming back to bite me in the ass. My mind has had an excellent habit of "forgetting" what is traumatic or too painful but only to rehash those moments in time in my sleep. It's becoming very draining to wake up every morning with a cloud over my head. I could deal with the waking up sweaty and breathing heavy dreams but these are dreams that make you cry in your sleep and scream for someone who isn't even there. I'm just not sure what to do. I'm starting to think I'm cracked or broken mentally some where. I've done the whole therapy thing and I am just skeptical of the process. "Sessions" leave me feeling worse than what I did. It was hard enough meeting with a social worker before I had Samantha to explain my "red flags" in my records. Thankfully, the social worker found me completely sane, pitied me, and asked if there was anyone he could refer me to in particular on base if I'd like. If I ever need medication there's no shame and he's has a few friends who dealt with similar cases. Well, that in all made me feel no better about my past but at least I was sane. Maybe this home blogging crap could be therapy? Doesn't even matter if anyone reads it.

Happy Birthday!

2009-09-12T00:40:00.009+09:00

I'm having a hard time believing that today my daughter is a year old. I feel a bit guilty about not having a huge party today on THE day but a cold knocked me on my butt and she's been battling an upper respiratory infection. So... bigger party next weekend!

It just seems so surreal to be a mother at times. It's hard to explain but she has brought meaning to my life and is the light in my eyes. I'm not sure how I lived without her.

Happy Birthday My Little Tadpole! ~Love Mumma

The Tide. I'm on a roll today!

2009-09-11T14:35:00.007+09:00

"The Tide" mainly is meant refer to depression, fear, insecurity, loneliness, etc. Take it as you wish though.

The tide is creeping
While I have been weeping

It flows in slowly
To swallow me wholly

To fight is hopeless
We all do know this

To swallow it as it seeks
Shall leave me full and weak

If I shall swim beneath
I shall be swallowed with teeth

If I shall swim above
My fear will be a lack thereof

The things that swirl around in my head....

2009-09-11T14:24:00.002+09:00

Not a formal poem rather somewhat a verse.

A pin prick

A knife stick

Pain is real

Pain is quick

It is a slow burn

You cannot feel

Until it’s too late

And you cannot heal

Pain is profound

It is lost and it is found

Your soul

Is its hiding ground

From hate it is wrought

From fear is sought

Run fast

Before you are caught

Devour of it what you plan

Ye may be but a mortal man

Stronger souls

Forge from it what they can